MEETTA TALKS!-Our EXPECTATIONS OF OTHERS

Readers, GOOD MORNING!

Here's the thing! Last night, I went to bed with a particular subject on my mind and actually, I've been thinking about this for a short time now. I was reminded of it, when something came up yesterday, in a discussion. And, as I often write from my own life experiences, as well as experiences of others, my blog is a proper place to write about this. This is also a very good subject to discuss, right now! So, I arose early, it's 5:39 in the am now. I need to write this down.

The subject matter that was on my mind, even this morning, is about how we view others and how our own personal views about others can influence the way we see them! Also, it can and does affect the way WE treat THEM! And How we seem them is NOT NECESSARILY how they really are? Sometimes we see, only what "WE WANT TO SEE." Especially when we find someone else that agrees with us and "sees things" the same way we do! Just because someone else sees the same thing you see, doesn't mean you are all correct about what you all are seeing!

Have you ever taken one of those visual puzzle challenges? Like when you see a million words made into a picture and them the question that follows is "WHAT DO YOU SEE ?" (If you haven't, then I challenge you to try it. Also, have someone else look at it with you and compare your answers to each others, then compare your answers with the "correct" one.)

So after you look at it, you say what you think the picture is showing, you then review the artists answer to what it really is and you take a step or two back from the picture in question. Sometimes, only then, when you look through the Artists eyes or the person who designed the picture, can you see what their "intentions" for that picture was! That's when you see the "TRUE" rendering of that same picture! And it turns out that YOU WERE WRONG, in your answer of what YOU thought you were looking at!

Not only is this article about, our "interpretation" of what we see in others behavior, character etc., it is about our own behavior and character as well! And you can't talk about this without talking about 'Expectations! And you can't talk about "Expectations" and "Interpretation" without talking about "Projection". Sometimes and more often than we think, we have a tendency to "project onto others" OUR OWN individual thoughts about what WE THINK that person should be like, who they are currently and even what the intentions of their actions really are, even right down to what WE THINK they are saying! Rather than, honestly "seeing" and accepting the person for WHO THEY ARE, their own meaning behind what they are saying to you along with the "truth" about everything else surrounding them!

I realize that we live in a society where the majority of people (if they are honest) don't want to be wrong! Without even knowing the reality or the back story of a situation, getting answers and clarity, people will latch onto any bit of information that "PROVES" them right! Regardless of their lack of a "sound basis for their thoughts". A number one example of this is the Media. The media, with all of it's "News" reporting, especially in "Entertainment News", there is ALWAYS some accusation about someone, that ends up proving to be wrong or being incomplete information! This is greatly due to what this article is all about! "Our expectations of others, our own "interpretations", mixed in with our "projection" onto others what WE want to see!

In one of my earlier posts, I wrote about how people can make someone else's behavior their own focus, over themselves! We need to take so much of that focus and put it back onto ourselves, where it really belongs! Here is an example: I am a very personable, and "bubbly" person and that usually proves to be a good thing, but it has also come to be a bit of a curse!

Recently, in one area of my life, it bit me square in the butt! Some people "expect" me to be like that all of the time! When I am not, those same people, some out of concern, (some not so much) said something was wrong with me! Sometimes, I am more quiet than usual. Hey!

I need quiet time too, don't you? I am quiet at times, because as an adult, I'm working, I'm a family person, head of my household with responsibilities. So, there ARE OTHER THINGS that I think about that need my attention, just like many of you! In those moments, whether I am at home or at work, I'm not always in that "SMILING AND WAVING" mood! No, I don't want to keep up small talk or idle chatter in those moments either! That doesn't make me "cold". It means I'm human! Hello!

Also, I don't know about where you work, go to church, or what kind of people are in your life, but in these areas of my life, there are alot of gossip and rumor spreaders. There are also alot of cruel and miserable individuals and these kinds of individuals can stir up alot of trouble! There are nosey people too. The kind that they just want to know everything! Even the stuff that does not concern them! So, I've found, from own my life experiences, that when those 'NEEDS' or voids in those kinds of people are not met, they put their attention on other people. Some times YOU may just find yourself being their target! They end up projecting their lives onto you!

Also, if you are like me, when you begin recognize these un-likable traits in others, you adjust to guard yourself from it. Now, all of a sudden, you are "cold" and "unfriendly!" Case in point: Someone recently told me, they saw me somewhere and said I looked isolated and was frowning. And apparently, (according to this person), my presence and behavior made others feel uncomfortable. Hmm.

The ACTUAL TRUTH behind their perception of the situation is; Where they saw me, there was a discussion going on and "I was listening!" I had gotten there a few minutes late, and walking in the middle of this big group, with all of them facing the door where I was entering, pretty much made me feel uncomfortable in the first place! It doesn't matter if I know some of the people or not! (I'm not one of those who don't mind walking in late, in front of alot of people? (All eyes are on you!) And as the discussion continued, I was trying to absorb what was being said! As I didn't have anything to add to the discussion, I didn't say much! Just trying to take it all in.

So what that person thought they saw, was not really what was going on with me! From their comment, it is obvious to me that it was a mis-interpretation on their part and the projection of their thoughts onto me. When I think of that, I Just shake my head. It amazes me, how we put so much thought on other people's behavior, BUT NOT ON OUR OWN! If that person was so concerned about me, WHY DIDN'T THEY COME TO ME and ASK ME IF SOMETHING WAS WRONG? I'll tell you why! Because they did not have genuine concern for me! If they had 'real' concern, rather than just coming to me to make a point of their comment, they would have said instead, something like, "Is something wrong, Meetta"? But they didn't! EVEN AFTER they made that comment to me!

So people, do you get what I'm saying? Interpretation, projection and expectation!

No one is perfect, that is true and certainly not I, but sometimes we let our own thoughts blind us to the "truth" about other people! Sometimes it is US, walking past people and not speaking! Then we have the nerve to comment on someone else, "not being friendly".

We wait for other people to acknowledge us first, as if we are any higher than they!

When we do this, we end up creating a negative situation where WE, (I, YOU) had the remedy for prevention of this, all along! What happened to your own "FRIENDLY BEHAVIOR!"

There is a verse in the Holy Bible that says,...

"If you want friends you must first, show yourself friendly."

In not doing that, you end up with a wrong interpretation, wrong expectations, on top of projecting your feelings onto that person, YOU have made issues with! So, now you don't have personal conversation with them anymore! You give open to others harping on them! You start to see things in their behavior that may not really be as you think!

If you have ever experienced these things like I have experienced them, then you may have found yourself being out-casted. Outcasted because you no longer want to always be "smiling and waving" saying hi first, or spending time talking about your personal life. You may not want to get involved in others lives in the same manner, letting them know "what you are up to?" As someone asked me. The person who asked me that is part of the rumor mill. I've heard her share other peoples business! She tried to tell ME about other people! So, no! I wasn't telling her anything! Still, won't and we used to be good buddies! And yes! Her behavior, caused me to be more guarded. I was not mean to her, but I wanted to tell that person,

"Get a life, more fulfilled!" In any case, taking on that "more guarded" way of being, caused their expectations of me to become unreal.

To end, some times we just don't want others to be different than what or how we think they should be! We allow ourselves to feel uncomfortable around them when they are not what we expect! If they change, all of sudden they have upset our lives! Then, that's where the so called "concern" starts getting a bit more shifted. It really can become a case of our comfort over genuine concern for them! If they don't talk to us... what about when we shy away from them? Perhaps in avoidance, because they didn't speak to us first! How are we to know the truth if we don't present ourselves friendly either! See! Often times, more that you may think, something is wrong with our Interpretation, Projection and Expectations of others.

In these types of instances Reader, if you have ever experienced them,

WHAT DO or did you do to resolve this conflict in your life?

Regardless of what end of the spectrum you are on, whether you have been a giver of this sort of behavior or (and especially) if you have been a receiver of it!

Bye, Meetta

On tHE jOB-"I come...I Go" , Part 2 of 2

Investigating the philosophy of...

I COME...I GO!

"I Come (to work), be pleasant while I am there, do my job and... I go home!"

I have heard this philosophy from readers of my blog posts over and over again!

Some people have said to me, "I DON'T GO TO EMPLOYEE HOUSE PARTIES, BB Q'S or hang out with many of my co-workers or in any situation OUTSIDE OF WORK!"

They say, "I come...and I go!" They say that it keeps down the chaos in their work lives!

Because of all the crap that people bring to work, some workers prefer to just be left alone and go their merry way! They don't socialize at other co-workers houses. They don' get caught up in the outside of work-activities of other employees. Readers have also said,

"I don't take their (my co-workers) mess home with me ."

"I am not interested in having relationships with people at work. " I prefer to just be able and allowed to do my job." One reader said specifically that, "I (she) have established personal relationships and have a strong family circle, I don't need that (those kind of relationships) here (on the job). I don't confide anything personal or deep with them. People talk too much at work!"

Oh Yes! Most of the readers that commented also mentioned that IT IS important in being "polite" or "hospitable" with their co-workers, no matter what their position! But still maintained that they found it "NECESSARY " to keep their lives separate.

Starting at the beginning of the year,

I, myself, personally adopted that philosophy, because...

I too found it "necessary" to keep my life separate.

I go to work, do my job, listen, I give respect where it's due and ...I GO HOME!

Some of my co-workers commented on how fast I move out of the way when it's time to go!

I don't hang around for conversations with certain people. I leave the rumor mill behind every single day! I don't want to hear who said what, about ANYBODY! While at work, outside of conversations directly related to the job, I don't keep up chatter with too many people anymore! I certainly don't mingle with people I KNOW have been cruel or mean to me or anyone I know! I am never mean, I just simply leave them doing what they do, even if I pass them in the hallway etc.. I don't entertain cruel or gossipping people! I also don't entertain people I don't have anything in common with!

Oh! I can work very well with anybody! I just keep it work related!

Unwarranted conversations and relations just add too much crap to the work environment and I don't want to be apart of that in anyway! And that should be OK! But, for many people it's not OK because their focus is not just on the job, it obviously extends to them wanting something else out of their work environment and their co-workers.

So, NOW that I have been adopting this attitude of "I come...do my job...be pleasant while I'm there ...and go home...I get talked about even MORE! People are saying I have changed. Because I just don't "smile and wave' showing that bubbly, tolerant (passive) side of me people have said that I'm "mean" now! Even though I don't lash out. I just "Come and go"! They say "Something must be wrong with Meetta!" Someone on my job, came to me and said,"people have come to me and said they've noticed a change in you and asked ME what's wrong with you ."

OH, I AM SO LAUGHING RIGHT NOW!

Think about that Reader, if they are so concerned about me,

Why are they asking someone else about me? Why not ask ME about ME? Seriously folks, come on!

Because I don't speak so freely in conversation anymore, (being cautious of the rumor mill, for one thing) people are asking questions.

Some of the people he's talking about have much to do with the rumor mill.

They are just being nosey! So for that, yeah, I have changed!

And in any case, the person, that their asking about me, He doesn't know me like that! I hardly ever even see the man let alone have a conversation with him!

People have other things to do... IT'S CALLED WORK PEOPLE!

Here's something else, another person actually said to me a few months back, "People are concerned about you BECAUSE YOU DON'T SMILE AND WAVE when you come in, like you used to! We're just not used to that about you."

Keep in mind that this is the same person who told me way back that "You have that personality that people love and gravitate to. You're, just so BUBBLY! YOU KNOW HOW TO BE A FOOL." I was looking her in her face when she when she said it so, I know she meant that as a compliment.

Because I am a story teller, I work very hard at how I accomplish my job!

I am very animated, using my voice, face, hands and body language to "paint a picture" for the guests. I put much effort in the way I get my my point across, making sure that the guests understand and "FEEL" what I am trying to convey! There is great passion in the way I tell a story. Still, all of what that person said, didn't sound so great the way that it came out

of her mouth. Especially considering the fact that she said it to me, in front of 2 new employees (newbies) who had no idea of my work ability nor where this person was coming from when

she let those words form. After she had gone, the 'newbies" and I spoke briefly and they commented on what that person said. They were very embarrassed for me because of all the things she said, All they heard was "MEETTA IS A FOOL!"

So now, putting all this into perspective, why so much concern about my waving and smiling is starting to make some serious sense. Some of my co-workers view me as undeniably talented worker, with a bubbly, foolish personality, but not a person to be taken seriously! HMM. So because I no longer seem "bubbly" and "foolish", showing my more serious side, They don't know how to take me! I GET IT!

Reader...

It's not like they are complaining to me about my abilities on the job or bad things like insulting guests. They can't say that because I don't cause problems like that! Their concern is about THEMSELVES really! I don't come in waving and smiling making them feel better!

While smiling is wonderful, to much emphasis people...too much emphasis!

Geez, come on! I wonder what would happen if they "Waved and smiled" for themselves!

Anyway, why are people always looking for someone else to make them feel better?

"Make your own selves happy!

Nothing changed about me, I'm still the same person!

Obviously they never really were interested in what was underneath all that waving and smiling! So superficial, I tell ya!

That is the type of thing that continues to change the work atmosphere for me.

A "real friend" of mine who is also a co-worker thinks this has a lot to do with the fact that some of those employees don't realize I am intelligent, deep thinking, thoughtful person with great creative ability that include engaging people, story telling , acting and writing! I have concerns and very deep thoughts as you can see from my writings. I have a lot going for myself! In 5 1/2 years, for all of the interest in me, some of these people still have not figured that out! But is that MY problem?

Now, "I come... and I go."

I have a family, goals and dreams. I have friends outside of work! There are some things that are just deep and wonderful about me! For being on the job, they put too much emphasis on my waving and smiling. I do have this reputation of being able to strike up a conversation with anyone at the drop of a hat! I usually, thoroughly enjoy people! I love meeting new people because they each have a story, who are they? Where do they come from? Each person has interesting experiences to share. I love meeting new people! That's a major reason why

I am good at my job! I don't want to smile and talk all of the time to my co-workers!

I speak for a living and I prefer to give what I have, mostly to the guests!

That's why I'm there folks! AND IT SHOWS IN MY WORK!

See, I have my quiet moments too! Need to have that! Internal peace is a necessary part of healthy living mind and body! The concern was for my lack of showing my "bubbly" side (as one co-worker said to me) is just too ridiculous to me. People have told me, "when I would see you come in, waving and smiling, you made me feel better." Want to be happy, why can't they make themselves happy instead of wanting me to provide that for them in some way! So, I don't always feel like waving and smiling.

OY VEY!

That reminds me...One of my Readers also said, "WHY CAN'T PEOPLE JUST COME TO WORK, DO THEIR JOB AND LET YOU DO YOURS? I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT!"

That Reader also said, "SEE, THAT'S WHY I COME.... AND I GO!

What the hell? That is exactly what that is! Hellish that people pay more attention to me smiling and waving and make a big deal out of it, asking the someone else, what's wrong with me? P-SHAW! Why can't they see that there is more to me like when I am being serious, speaking intelligently on something important like...work!

People can be so superficial.

Now they say, SOMETHING MUST BE WRONG WITH ME!

(I am laughing out loud right now!)...

WELL, YEAH!... The negative atmosphere that was allowed to take over the work place. I used to ABSOLUTELY enjoy working where I work! That has somewhat changed. So many people have allowed their personal miseries to infiltrate so many others. Let me just come... and go!

SEE YOU LATER, READER!

ON THE jOB-"I come...I Go" , Part 1 of 2

In light of my recent blog post...

...(SHE SAID'S Amongst us, posted on November 28, 2009)

followed by a comment from "D, S,-In Michigan, I am reminded of an article that I had on the list to write, a few months back.

The article is called, "I COME AND I GO".

In light of all the unwanted and unnecessary crap that happens on jobs like gossip, rumor spreading etc., etc.. and how that affects the work atmosphere, I was inspired to write about this very popular, but unspoken philosophy. Since I've written articles about the damage that rumors, gossip, tattle telling (un-righteous tattling), misery and an abuse of power can cause, I've gotten some interesting feedback! In case you missed those articles, they can be found in my archive section under these headings and dates:

"ON THE JOB"-TATTLE TALES posted on September 16, 2009:,

"ON THE JOB- 2 FACED CO-WORKERS August 18, 2009

"Meetta Talks"-RUMORS PART 1, October 22, 2009, part 2 October 25, 2009, part 3 & 4 October 27, 2009 and Lastly, Part 5 posted on October 31, 2009

Yes! Bloggers, faithful readers of my columns, some of you have shared your feelings about how certain things on the job, OTHER THAN, the job has both positively and negatively, affected your work experience! It is important to investigate BECAUSE the average person spends almost half of their lifetime outside of the home, working! I actually sat down to crunch the numbers! The average person DOES NOT WORK 40 hour weeks! I saw something on the world news earlier this year where they talked about this. It seems normal that many of Americas households have at least one person holding down 2 jobs. Many others have 1 person working

2 jobs, but are also going to school or have another side gig, like selling insurance, delivering pizzas, telephone books or cleaning offices.

Right now, just off the top of my head, I can name at least 8 people I know personally that fit into this category!

How much time would you say that an average working person spends in their work environment and necessary time spent in preparation for work? Let's crunch the numbers, shall we? It is 24 hours in a day @ 7 days per week (24x7). That is 168 hours. Let's break down the hours in a daily form. The average amount of sleep for working people is 6 hours

(again, another program, "Are we getting enough sleep in America?" or something like that!) So, 24-6=18. Now let's subtract approximately 5 hours per day, for preparation for work and travel time to and from work! 18-5-13.

I know it takes me at least 3 hours commute both ways each work day! There are millions of commuters just like myself whether they drive, take the the bus, trams or subways, depending on where you live! Especially, if you have family duties to attend to in the morning!

Which millions of people do! Get yourself ready, get the kids ready, walk the dog etc..

Also, a very large number of working people DO NOT live near their jobs.

That number spans into the millions as well!

So, now we're at 13 hours left in the day and we have only reviewed sleep, preparations and commuting time for work! Out of 13 hours remaining, for the average worker, 8 of them are spent actually being clocked in to work. 13-8= 5. WOW! only 5 hours left in the day and all we did was subtract sleep hours, preparation for work (bathing, getting dressed etc.), commuting time and actual average work hours! The average worker in America spends between a 1/3 up to 1/2 of their lives working, preparing for work or dealing with work related matters EVEN AFTER WORKING HOURS! So do you see, Reader how this is equating! 5 hours left to perform personal functions like grocery shop, spend time maintaining relationships, walking the dog, working on projects FOR WORK while you're home, going to class etc., etc. Days off work aren't really days off work! There is SO MUCH of life to cram between those hours. The average working person in America, for whatever reason, is not prone to taking regular vacations to wind down, if you will. 5 hours. Hmm!

Reader, I'm doing all of this to show you why the atmosphere we create at work IS VERY important in how conducive it is to helping us manage either positively or negatively our EVERY DAY LIFE AND HEALTH! If a great percentage of our lives is spent in a negative environment, how do you think that is going to affect the individual and the businesses they work for, overall?

For all the hours people put in at work, you would think more working people would be aware of the importance of creating and striving towards establishing positive work environments! Yeah! In the 80's many companies began to put in fitness centers, baby daycare, extend maternity leave or what have you! Most companies or businesses DO NOT HAVE extra curricular activities available for their workers! Yeah! Someone on the job may host baby showers, retirement parties etc.. or a Christmas party (one party out of the year for all employees) But that doesn't qualify as proper releases from the trials of the EVERYDAY PROCESSES OF WORKING!

When you consider ALL that working people do, whether it directly servicing other people (maneuvering your way through a variety of personalities as successfully as you can, dealing with the public is NO JOKE!) making the deals, running offices, managing paperwork, schedules and employees, finances and then you add the human side of things. You add thoughts of family responsibility, juggling personal appointments (doctor visits), school meetings, keeping tabs

on your teenagers, paying the bills, maintaining healthy spiritual lives, healthy relationships/ friendships,...you see it's already ENOUGH! Then when you add even more ingredients into the mixture (that is life) including certain hostilities on the job like, hurtful gossip,

Un-wanted interest in other peoples personal business and conversations, bully bosses, miserable co-workers...

YOU KNOW...IT GETS TO BE A BIT MUCH!

It gets to be a problem on the job, so much so, that in fact many people end up wanting more OUT SIDE OF WORK! Many end up "re-assessing" their lives and the purpose for it". Often times, that 're-assessing of ones' life' leads to growing out and away from the atmosphere of their current positions. They start to seeking different opportunities wanting more out of life for their troubles of having to live in a world with SO MUCH un-wanted stuff! People like this tend to take on tougher and thicker skins. Their philosophies about working and dealing with certain environments, begin to change. NOW, in comes the philosophy....

"I COME, DO MY JOB, BE PLEASANT WHILE I'M THERE...AND I GO HOME!''

SEE YOU NEXT TIME for part 2..."ON tHE jOB!"