MEN, WOMEN & CHILDREN - My Son Respects ME!

Hello, Dear Readers!

Missed me?

How is your summer going? I hope it is well.

Mine has been busy and has caused for alto for adjusting.

But things are GRAND! Life is good!

I have something new to share with you all. It's about time right? I know.

THIS STATEMENT I POSTED ON FACEBOOK A DAY OR SO AGO, has actually inspired a whole lot of dialogue. I hope you get a chance to read this"

My son said, "Mom I respect U as a person & as a mother. People R as strong as their weaknesses. U operate in strength. I say this in love... truthfully, U scare the hell out of me! A little bit like I'm scared of God. He loves me & U love me... I still remember when I said something (bad) 2 U & was walking out of the apt., U pulled me back, grabbed me, hulking me & put me in a headlock until I listened." :)

That's right, a healthy fear!

A fear bred out of knowing you are loved, cared for, provided for, nurtured, listened to and forgiven. Causing one to recognize and respect authority and the law. Encouraging strength, sharing wisdom and knowledge to arm ones self with so that they may have, seek and seize better opportunities to grow, live a successful, purposed life! Building hope that the child or person may move to a high standard of living, based on morals and integrity and provide guidance to hopefully carry them through this life as safely as possible! Understanding, the fear I speak of is the kind of fear that comes out of a genuine love that comes to prosper and not to harm. A love that promises to give hope and a future. Amen?

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NEW DIALOGUE

I knew the dreaded day would come, when my sweet teenage son would want to assert himself in independence and I would have to muster the courage and stamina to rise to the occasion to make sure it didn't get out of hand with disrespect of me, my house and himself.

This included laying down and upholding the law, of voicing your thoughts and opinions, but no rudeness, back talking, hanging out in the streets with the bad crowds, making babies you are not prepared to take care of, having girls in his room AT MY HOUSE, coming home all times of night, having a know it all smart mouth, telling me what to do (like he's my Dad,) sort of thing. This is the the time in a boys life that "old school" calls, "when a boy starts to smell himself". Puberty has struck and hormones start to influence the the mouth and actions.

A single mother, without ANY STEADY, right help from a loving male... I was left to raise a boy to be a man, on my own. Like many of you! he's 20 now, but I knew the day would come when my then, teenage son would want to assert himself and end up being disrespectful. It was VERY TOUGH! I realized, I couldn't answer every question he had concerning being a male, what he would go through as his body and mind changed, why he had to pee while he stood and why I had to sit. (He asked me the when he was 4 or 5). I realized I had to come form a different angle, if I wanted to be a proactive parent to him as I was the only one he had! I had to figure things out in order to do a fairly decent job of being a mother. Believe me, it was quite a struggle as I dint' have mother I could take ALL knowledge from to help me figure out how to do that!

I realized I COULD NOT TEACH HIM how to be a man, per say, but I realized I COULD and DID TEACH HIM how to properly treat women, and other human beings, how to say NO TO DRUGS, CRIME AND PEER PRESSURE and why that is important. I could teach him that HE IS BEAUTIFUL, special in confidence, not arrogance and that he is ALREADY SOMEBODY!

I could and did teach my male child how A True GENTLEMAN

TREATS WOMEN. That such a man, does not take sex from a woman. He does not seek to dominate a woman, but to accept her for her own distinctive beauty, gifts, talents, and personality. My son KNOWS there is MUCH MORE to a woman than just her outer exterior. He's had the fortune and misfortune of watching me!

He knows not that women are not play things, The pain he may cause by dragging her self esteem, her heart, and reputation through the mud.He understands that REAL MEN do NOT beat, humiliate or destroy ANY WOMAN women or the weak for sport. He's watched certain males in the family and the continuos deep trouble they have caused by their mistreatment of their families and mates!He understands that REAL MEN, take care of those they love! Taking care of their children even if they are not living in the same home!My son understands the pain of abandonment by a parent. He had vowed not to repeat it!

My son knows from my abusive treatment as a child and youth, that brothers protect their sisters and not harm them! I've taught him that a true gentleman and mature adult male, DOES NOT brag or tell "his boys" about the intimate relationship details of his personal life with his girlfriend or wife. I've also taught him NOT TO LET females drag him down, manipulate him or abuse him in any way! I've told him how WE females can be as well!

My son and I, have spoke many times over the years, a mans place in his household and in the world. While it is true that I could not teach my son to be a man, from a man's point of view, I've done my best other wise!

At least my son understands the value of respecting human life, authority and the law. I could and did teach him how to be a decent, respectable, God fearing, intelligent, productive, loving and compassionate human being. I realized I could pass on my strength, wisdom through LIFE LESSONS lessons opening his eyes, HAVING NO USE FOR ROSE COLORED GLASSES, but to see things as they are really happening, to be knowing, vocal and courageous. I leaned to appreciate the gift of communication with my son. AND TO KEEP THE LINES OF COMMUNICATION OPEN, even when my son tells me something I really don't want to hear! See, if I value him, then I value his thoughts!

I've given my son and opened my son up to knowledge to cause him to be a responsible, person. He knows how to grocery shop (wisely), pay bills, by having him go get the money orders, and pay the landlord, send to DTE etc. He knows about saving money. He's learned how to dress appropriately and speak to people in business, to get his point across and not be cussing, using alot of slang or being belligerent! He's learned how not to let those same people mistreat him as a customer and human being. I've taught him how to apply for jobs, speak to potential employers, how to conduct himself in an interview and on the job. How to interview the potential employer! After all, employment, is both give and take!

TALK TO YA AGAIN SOON!

Meetta

TeEn SPeAk-Teens and Lonelines, PT. 2 of 3

TEENS, Young people up to you early 20'S...

This column is for you! We will explore subjects that directly pertain and affect you. So, if you have any thoughts or ideas for upcoming articles, don't hesitate to click on the word "comment" at the end of this article. OK? for right now though, this is part 2 of

"Teens AND Loneliness". Part 1 was posted on February 1, 2010.

Now, on to the subject matter at hand, but first, let me ask you this question.

Do you sometimes feel cut off from the world, lonely, and forgotten?

Even though you know you are in a world full of BILLIONS of people, that knowledge doesn't seem to give you much comfort. It also may not give you comfort knowing that many, many other people also experienced periods of loneliness, but the fact is, they do! Still, it is nothing like feeling connected!

Connections, relationships, are part of our natural makeup. God saw that what he had created with Adam was good, but he noticed all of the animals had mates and were thriving but when he looked at Adam, he saw that his creation in him was not complete. "It is not good for man (any human being), to be alone." So, Eve was created as a Help-MATE. (NOT A HELP MEET, as in "help me meet my needs) In some ways that may be true, but she was not created to be Adam's slave and sub-ordinate. Eve was there to fill important roles like helping Adam come to his full potential as the Beginning or Father of humanity. Through Adam and Eve came us, human kind. Together, Adam and Eve multiplied the earth through child bearing. From them and there children, is how we came to be, (depending on what you believe).

Anyway, through connections of companionship, character is developed. Now remember, "RELATIONSHIPS" come in many types. It's not just sexual things. The word relationship means the state of being "related or inter-related". Relations involve relatives or connections between people who share a common interest!

Relationships are necessary for healthy minds as well. We grow through situations with each other. We grow mentally and emotionally. We learn who we are, who we can be and we learn who not to be, through relationships. Isolation can separate us and take us places in ourselves we don't want to be, that is, if isolation is NOT used well! It is one thing to just take some "alone or me time " to rejuvenate and or meditate to refresh ourselves. But isolating ourselves too long or for other reasons, cutting ourselves off, can begin to tear down and tear into our humanity. Isolation can lead into loneliness, creating havoc and disruption in side of you. Though loneliness is not a "disease", it should be used as a warning sign.

Loneliness reminds us that we need closeness, relationship and the intimacy of companionship. Some people end up having mental situations to deal with after very long periods of isolation. People were "built" for human connections, not isolation. We were not meant to be in the world alone! "Sometimes loneliness is forced upon us by a death of a loved one that we are very close too. Sometimes loneliness comes upon us when a very close relationship is over, like a marriage ending in divorce. Sometimes it happens that a close or longtime friendship has ended or maybe someone has moved many miles away. In either situation, loneliness can be "temporary". It doesn't have to evolve into something longstanding and disastrous!

THINGS YOU CAN DO!

When we don't have those connections of closeness and intimacy, that can cause a problem. Here are some healthy steps you can take to rectify that problem.

Talk out your feelings. Be Open!

Find someone who cares and talk to them about how you are feeling. BE HONEST!

Talking is a great release. It can also help give you clarity with the situation. Recognize the change in your life and while it is therapeutic to talk about the past, it is not good to constantly visit the past! For a healthy life, mentally and spiritually, find it in yourself to "MOVE FORWARD". Create new memories!

GET INVOLVED!

Participate in some acceptable social groups, make new friends! Sometimes it can be hard to make friends, but you have to! Don't just pick anyone. Find people of interest and introduce yourself. Find someone who is interested in some of the same positive activities as you are and open yourself up to the possibilities of new found friendships. Making new friends can be hard and uncomfortable, but you have to make efforts to accomplish this task. REMEMBER!

You can't live in this world by yourself!

RE-ESTABLISH OLD BONDS

Sometimes much desired, broken relationships can be re-established. Sometimes not. But in those cases where it may be possible, if both persons are willing, making amends and forgiving (releasing yourself and the other person from the offensive action) can help re-build and even strengthen relationships. Communication is absolutely necessary in this! Talk a little, listen AND hear a lot more! Get it all out! Be honest. Be willing to listen hear what the other person is saying. Value it! Don't disregard their emotions. Their emotions are just as important as yours! Compromising is also necessary. You need to give, as well as take. Remember to not just take! Be a giver in the relationship, be it in a friendship, dealings with Mom or Dad, another relative or other special person, anyone you want to get close to.

Continuing Teens & Loneliness on next week..

in "TEEN SPEAK."

MEN, WOMEN & CHILDREN-Christmas

Good Morning.

It's CHRISTMAS!

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT?

Yeah! I'm up early. It's close to 5 am and my apartment is quiet because my son is asleep and the neighbors still seem to be too! No little kids screaming and running around excited about the presents they got... Yet!

I'm up with this huge thought on my mind. What thoughts do I have on this special day, at this special time. For Catholics, Christians, etc. the focus is on Christs birth and the gift that he IS!

For others, it is about the season. There is vacation time to relax, visit family and friends, get involved in other leisurely activities and eat well! Still for others, the focus is loneliness, sadness, loss, what they can't afford, how the coming new year will find them! Yada, Yada!

I got up this morning with Christmas on my mind, but how this Christmas was going to be! Yes! My focus was also on the Christ. That is what got me up out of the bed early this morning. I am thankful for so many things, that I cannot tell you. (Some things you've got to keep private!) I will tell you this though, unlike many others, my son and I are in a nice, warm furnished apartment that is beautifully decorated for the holidays. We have plenty to eat, clothes to wear and ...we have each other! THAT IS MUCH to be thankful for!

As I did have thoughts about today, past Christmases, and Christ...the need for focus came up.

I got right to the computer and decided to face my thoughts and write them out! Putting them in their proper place if you will. figure that If I got them out, these thoughts wont' hinder the rest of my day. It is even quite possible that they won't continue to hinder the rest of my life! So, here goes! See, Reader, the holiday seasons have proven to be very hard for ME to deal with for several vital reasons. One of which, I have already disclosed in other articles...I don't have that big close family to take comfort in. My son's Dad's family is not reachable even to my son! So, my son does not have that either, which has lead to other problems that have created NOT-SO-MERRY holidays for the both of us!

Without much support, my son and I struggled in different ways for years! Because of this, when he was small and the Dad and I were at odds, there was not much that I could give my son. I could not even give him his Dad! There were arguments between the Dad and I about whether he should come and pick him up or I should take him over there! See, I learned my lesson about going over to the Dads years before! Between our problems, calling myself trying to keep my son connected to his dad's side of the family, I often took my son to the Dads family's home (his mother's house) and even to his house off and on for years, up until my son was almost 5.

I got my feelings hurt A LOT!

The Dad would often be on the phone with other women, in front of me. When he was on the phone, sometimes his family, (I can remember his mother, God rest her soul) and friends would be yelling at him to get off the telephone and to at least respect me while I was there!Sometimes he was on his way to meet them or already had left! Some other times, I would just be ignore. A few times he would be talking to his family and saying mean things and I was made to feel like crap. He proved to be a very, very hurtful person. Those visits were for my son and his family, but no one should have to hurt like that! I honestly thought I was doing the right thing by taking him over there! Anyway, after plenty of that... I finally and quietly promised myself and vowed NEVER TO ALLOW MYSELF TO BE DISGRACED LIKE THAT AGAIN BY HIM OR ANY MAN!

I just stopped taking my son to any of their houses! That was that! If the Dad wanted to see him, he had to come to us! He hated that, but he never understood what all of that did to me! I honestly don't even think he thought about it! This, is the stuff that started to creep into our lives over the years, even for the holidays! But those early experiences with the Dad was my education. I have never had to endure that kind of treatment from any man I've ever been with in all my life! Though it made me tougher, that kind of living...It was not for me!

I love my son and have worked tirelessly as a single Mom to raise him properly, in Christ with morals, integrity, and with manners and instilling the importance goals and going after them.

I have poured into him, a great deal of time and of my life, postponed hopes and dreams of my own! But, there is a limit! What good am I to my son, myself or anyone for that matter, broken and disgraced by any man, ESPECIALLY the man who was supposed to have loved me and is his Dad! This is the same man who who was supposed to teach our my son how to be

A MAN, "A REAL man"! What is that teaching my son in the treatment of women and what a woman should tolerate and accept for herself? So, even after the Dad and I permanently were broken up, I still kept that vow to myself! I wouldn't break it, NOT EVEN FOR MY SON!

Not even for my son, would I put myself in a situation like that again!

As I was not welcomed or respected by the Dad, obviously, I certainly could not expect to be respected by his mate! Just like those other women in his life, back in the day. For the Dad, it was about control. "Do this my way or it won't get done!" He used to say to me, "YOU should, be bringing him to me." "I DON'T HAVE TO RESPECT YOU because we are not together!""SHE SAID...THAT YOU...!" (Read my article in my "FOR WOMEN ONLY!" column, "The SHE SAID'S AMONG US", posted on November 28, 2009.) Needless to say that, I am also a strong willed person, and I deserved and still deserve better treatment, so I made up in my mind that I wasn't walking into that line of fire AGAIN!... NOT EVEN FOR MY SON! So, I never took my son over there anymore, while he was growing up ...not even for the holidays and the Dad NEVER came and picked him up! My son and his Dad, only spent two or three Christmas's together in all of my sons 19 years!

I remember Christmas's when my son and I both hoped so strongly that the Dad would call or come by. It usually never happened! Several years in a row, as our son was growing up, he would sit by the phone and wait. Sometimes, he'd even have his coat on and when I would ask him, " What are you doing? Where are you going? All of ten years old, my son would say "I want to be ready when my dad comes for me." OHHHHH Boy!!! It got so bad that I would have to either threaten my son with punishment to get him away from the phone. This happened even his birthdays! Of course, he'd wait for the Dad to call, hoping he'd say that he's coming to pick our son up to take him over there to be with his brothers, his little sister, Aunts, Uncles and cousins. He thought SURELY, the Dad would come to hug him and bring him presents! The Dad never came. Christmas after Christmas, my son or myself would have to do all of the calling to him! More often than not, the arguments would start or some mean thing said. Sometimes, my son and I, would hear the Dads mate in the background telling the Dad how it should be done, with Brad coming to visit. Then, there you go! Usually, the call ended with someone hanging up on the other.

I tried to tell The Dad in detail what was happening, but he would say, "I have my family. That's (Brad, and whatever he's going through) your business, you have to deal with that!" The Dad wouldn't call, time after time! He still doesn't call our son on Birthdays either, let alone Christmas, even after all of this time! No. My son doesn't wait for any such phone calls. It doesn't help that my son is a giver and his Dad's birthday is just before Christmas on December 23 rd. My son got very sad about his Dad on that day, even on this year!

Where this should cause me to pray, it in fact, (as I am confessing) makes me want to curse! It will do no good to curse, but you know...hmm.

NOPE! Not cursing, peace just entered in AND came over me instead!

Still, it is a good thing to get this all out though. And I promise reader, before I'm through with this article, my thoughts will be where they should be THIS Christmas!

Just trying to explain why the holidays were so hard for me to deal with and why it is SO VITALLY IMPORTANT THAT WE GET OUR FOCUS BACK! GOD is good! The love of Christ has allowed for new mercies, and forgiveness to be possible, every single day! You may say, then "Meetta, stop dwelling on the past", but it's hard when the past is staring you in your face. I look at my son, the phone doesn't ring, specific guests don't come for him on the holidays or special days from the side of the family he desperately wants to be a part of...and it starts all over again! But you know, the pangs of it are not so strong anymore. So, progress is being made! Some things just take longer than others. A gun shot wound will heal faster than a broken heart! Doesn't matter whose heart it is! It's hard for a boy to not have a Dad! Especially when the Dad is nearby and has always been. The Dad has lived in this city all of our son's life, NEVER LIVING more than 20 minutes away, driving, but you wouldn't know it! (Deep breath and a sigh)...Along with my son's angst about the holidays, was my own! You might be interested in knowing Reader, that the peace I previously spoke of...still remains AND ...I'm learning right at this moment, that when I see the past staring intently at me.... to look the other way. At least until I feel COMPLETELY comfortable staring right back at it, unaffected!

So as you can see now, Dear Reader, why Christmas in the past was such a struggle! As a Christian, especially with all of that going on, I struggled to maintain my focus and put it where it should be...On Christ...fully and completely! Because without him, nothing is possible. ...Survival, growth, forgiveness, maturity, peace of mind and of heart, healing! Nothing would be possible! Without Christ, God would not have granted human kind, the many second chances that he has! Jesus, The Christ is the world's Saviour, as I believe it! Without him, and "the word of God", (Scripture of the Holy Bible), I couldn't have made it out of the darkness of my sadness, frustration, loneliness, confusion and pain. Could not have made it through any crisis of ANY KIND WITHOUT THE LOVE and intercession of Christ! Would not have the victories that I have been blessed to have. Without him, The Christ, my life and my sons life would have fallen into peril a loooong, long time ago! BUT GOD....

THOUGH WE KNOW NOT THE EXACT DATE....Will you all join me in saying ...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JESUS!

AND THANK YOU !

LOVE, FROM US ALL

MEN, WOMEN, & CHILDREN-Rejection, Part 3

This is the 3rd part in a series on Rejection.

"When Relationships go awry, especially when kids are involved."

Of course...

...discussing the subject of rejection is necessary!

Rejection creates pain and situations that can add enormous burden to any heart, young or old, rich or poor, woman, man, boy or girl.

Rejection can have tremendous negative affects on a person's entire life, including everything from having an ability to establish and maintain positive relationships to self esteem.

AM I LOVED? AM I REALLY CARED FOR, CONCERNED ABOUT?

AM I DESERVING OF REAL LOVE? WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE REALLY LOVED?

WHO REALLY CARES WHETHER I LIVE OR DIE?

WHAT IS REAL LOVE?

WHAT DID I DO TO HAVE THIS HAPPEN TO ME? Is also a BIG question that comes up often to those traumatized by REJECTION.

READERS,

Consider my life for a moment! I was a Foster Care Kid which taught me the importance of having an extended family! In many situations, extended families are more necessary than the natural family! Anyway, I was in Foster Care because my parents could not get it together and they were married! I wasn't in there because I was a bad kid, BECAUSE I wasn't

a bad kid! I was in the system because I was an unfortunate casualty of

a broken home. My Dad, left MOM (US) when I was about 9 and it was hellish from that point on.

At 15 years old, the Court took me from my mother. No tears, please!

Her pain and suffering brought and caused SO MUCH PAIN and suffering into the lives of ALL her children! So, I was a child who was traumatized by an adult relationship going awry! I was fortunate in that I was rescued and lived to adulthood in the Foster Care system.

I had a good experience unlike many! See, I told you, NO TEARS, PLEASE!

GOD through those people, SAVED MY LIFE! At 31, I committed my life to him fully, though I was "Church Kid" since I was small. Pain of broken families, yeah! I would say, I'm an expert on that, because it happened to me!

So, I know what I am talking about!

The sad thing is, my family has never really healed.

Yeah! My mom went on, but not really. For all that that means. All of us kids just grew up! But for some of my siblings, life never got truly better!

Dear Reader, You need to know that that kind of pain, when relationships go awry, especially for the kids in question,

no matter how old they get, is REAL!

The kids, no matter what the age, get affected by what happens between the adults too!

Often times, the pain is greater for them, THE CHILD,

than it is for the adults! The problem solving ability and verbiage to express themselves is not yet matured in a child

of young age. So, how they handle things is MUCH DIFFERENTLY THAN ADULTS!

How the parents treat each other after the relationship is over, ALSO GREATLYaffects, shapes and molds the way that the kids grow to handle certain situations.

We need to think about that MOMS and DADS!!!

Who else needs to think about this and apply it to their lives is ...Mom and Dad's new mates as well! NEW MATES, THIS IS because your relationship with your mate,

(the child's parent), can greatly affect positively or negatively, the relationship with them and their child!

How YOU VIEW that child is another big influence!

My sons Dad's mate, initially DID NOT want my son around because..."She is jealous of him (our son) because he is yours and mine and NOT hers and mine".

"SHE SAID, that I should not keep buying him (our son) clothes...I should be putting that money into our (his and her) household! It is written as was told to me, by my sons Dad when our son was just 4 years old! Oh, I was told a few more things over the years of what "SHE, SAID", He should do! Like, "She said, ...You should be bringing him (our son) to me! I should not have to come pick him up..." She said, she said, she said...It was like he no longer had his own mind! He was not the man I KNEW him to be!

...Finding ways to reject his own child.

See, I was REALLY done with that mess!

I didn't know I had my child with him AND HER! I thought this was OUR son, his and mine! I couldn't talk to THE DAD without hearing her and her negative, defeating advice! How insecure can a person be that they have to hold a kid hostage to their inner turmoil?

So, the hard, lonely journey of raising our (my) son as

a single mother...continued.

This...kind of person, "THE SHE SAID"...

...is whom The Dad, has set up family and is still with!

It is right to say, that she has greatly influenced the way he views our son, even today! Nothing got better! There were other problems too, but she REALLY added to them!

She helped shaped, AND strengthened The Dad's rejection of our son.

People, BE CAREFUL...

OF WHAT MATE YOU CHOOSE, ESPECIALLY if YOUR kids are not THEIRS!

Know this..."The Household"...

extends to the other families you created!

It IS NOT who you are with presently or just whose living in your house at the time! ALL OF the children YOU make are and remain FOREVER, YOUR SEED! YOU, in GODS EYES and also the Court's eyes still have a natural responsibility for those children! Stop letting "fools" talk you out of your Godly and natural responsibility because when the time is at hand that you stand before God on your judgement day, THAT FOOL WILL NOT BE THERE to take action for YOUR accountability! YOU WILL BE STANDING ON YOUR OWN IN GODS PRESENCE and on THEIR day, that fool will have enough to account for on their own, too!

YOU WON'T be able to rescue them either!

Not to mention, the hassle that the courts will put you through including possible jail time of delinquent child support etc..HAVE YOU CONSIDERED THE COST?

What about the cost to the child? You leave with them a legacy of knowing their parent, their own blood, Dad / Mom,

DOES NOT CARE ABOUT THEM! Forsaking them for your own selfish gain. What really have you gained forsaking your child?

Is that dream life or dream mate you are have, REALLY worth the price that your child and you pay? Is it really worth it to lose your child's trust and respect, and the pain they have to deal with? Have you considered the cost, the price for your abandonment of your child?

THANK YOU READER,

Please STAY TUNED for the final entry to this series

on REJECTION.

Men, Women & CHILDREN- REJECTION...Part 2

REJECTION of When relationships go awry, Part 2.

Though there were many 'life' lessons that came out of this part of my life, there were many other things that were going on as well. Take for example, the hellish times, (rejection will create those as well as opportunities for learning), for awhile

my son and I lacked financial and especially, emotional support, even from people we thought were on our side!

At many turns my son and I both, were mistreated because of our situation.

There was one relative in particular that was very vocal in telling me that I ruined my life by having my son! That I "threw away my bright future", he said.

To this day, he still remains in that mindset! So, we don't speak, at all!

He is my oldest brother. It's strange even still,

because that particular brother used to be my hero when I was a little girl!

When I was 23, my protector changed and turned against me because that's when

I had my son. My brother said, my life would forever change and I would never accomplish my dreams because I was not free anymore! My brother lost faith in me.

He also had hung his personal hopes on me!

I later found that out through the wisdom of my life's journey.

It also didn't help that my son's Dad is the kind to holds grudges and can be very unforgiving. So, even after 19 years, though the Dad had been in our sons' life for a time,

in some way shape or form, he didn't show up for ...THIS birthday!

Nor did he call.

Oh! He's missed some stuff before, but this time was different!

"19 is a BIG DEAL!" According to my son!

He had hope that his Dad would show up.

Practically speaking, my son knew better, but he told me

"You never know, Mom, you never know!"

He also said, "I know Dad loves me!

Deep down inside. I know it."

What do you say to that?

Can you imagine what that was like hearing my son say that?

And knowing that the Dad is quite content with where he is at, in his life!

He has another family that he has put all of his energies into.

He does not include our son in their family gatherings.

His thoughts behind not having a relationship with our son,

(as told to me years back),

"If you don't want me, I don't want him!"

Him being OUR SON! NOT JUST MINE!

What my sons dad said, ...with impending rejection...

never really computed what he meant until he started showing

it by refusing our son, emotional or real financial support!

For the problems The Dad and I had, what he said,

just made it all the more problematic.

I felt like I was being blackmailed!

OUR SON was the hostage and I was the ransom!

He didn't say it this way, but it still was...

Be with me or pay the price of being the reason I won't love our son!

It was weird! I...I didn't know this person had this in him.

I had never dealt with this kind of thing before.

I didn't know what it was!

I didn't have the words for it all back then, I just knew that I felt very troubled by what he was saying and he said a lot more things too! I just remember knowing that, even though I wanted to be with him, very much (He had other great characteristics),

Still...I knew my answer had to be ...No!

I forgot about the other problems we had and began to focus on THAT!

OUR SON, not the relationship, became THEE priority for me!

Eventually, those other problems needed to be dealt with,

though too little, too late!

Think about this though...How could I be with someone who would deny, abandon, thus hurting his child...

...OUR CHILD?

That didn't make me want to love that man, nor trust him!

One of the major things, some women look for in a mate, is

"WHAT KIND OF DAD WILL HE BE?"

"HOW WILL HE TREAT MY CHILDREN...OUR children?

IF HE WOULD USE A CHILD for hurting or controlling purposes,

ANY CHILD, ESPECIALLY HIS OWN...! Hmm.

Men just don't get it! You shouldn't try to use kids as leverage!

You shouldn't use them to emotionally blackmail or threaten a woman into a relationship! For example: "IF YOU DON'T WANT ME THEN... I don't want him, her, them"... AND the kids are HIS! WOWSER!!!!

This stuff DOES NOT CREATE healthy situations for relationships! This behavior can also destroy a relationship with the kid! Especially for a boy! Can you imagine what some of them are saying or wish they could say? "Dad, you used me, to get to my Mom!

...You disrespect MY mother, but you want me to respect you?" HUH? "What are you teaching me...

....about being a MAN, a Husband, a Father?

You put your own selfish needs above responsibility!

You let my Mom struggle with me while you moved on and had another family! That hurt ME, Dad!

Especially when you said,...

..."I don't need you, I have my family!"

I am your kid and you said that to me.

You said THAT...TO ME!

You say whatever hurtful thing you want to say.

You won't listen to us, to me! You only hear what you want to hear.

"It's cheaper to keep her!", you've been taught. So you teach it.

It's a lie, you know. The cost is really high! You're just numb to it.

It cost you my Mom. It cost you...YOUR SON!

You don't want me now, Don't want me when I'm grown and successful.

I want YOU Dad, but I don't want those lessons you're teaching!"

Can you imagine a son needing to say that to the dad?

Emotional blackmail does not work for anybody's true good!

Instilling The fear of REJECTION ...DON'T HELP EITHER!

LOVE, SUPPORT, PATIENCE, COMMUNICATION, CONCERN AND...FORGIVENESS is what helps that! I believe in a relationship with Christ Jesus and in the power of prayer also, but

Hey, that's me!

IN FACT, the blackmail scheme, game, threat, whatever it is,

for me it DID THE OPPOSITE!

'Cause no matter what problems we had before that,

THAT (what the Dad said)... took precedence!

I just...I couldn't get over that, nor look past it!

For me, it's "Take care of our kid and we'll discuss US later!" The sad thing is, The Dad never understood that!

So, now we all are, where we are!

He over there, PRETENDING our son does not exist and my son here with me as he always has been...without a Dad!

(This reminds me of an article I wrote entitled,

"The things Men Say..." November 4, 2009. Check it out in my archive section.)

More importantly, Our Son...

...never understood nor accepted that about his Dad!

He was looking at the part of himself that IS HIS DAD!

So my son asked me,

" How can someone reject themselves?"

See, how much smarter kids are about some things????

The sad thing, THE REALLY SAD THING is that his Dad has never really stopped thinking that way or being hurtful! So when we did have a chance to rekindle, back in the day, I was not comfortable. I was completeley un-trustsing at that point!

I decided to just walk away. It was a very painful decision.

My son still wanted a relationship with his Dad of course, but was not able to get it without problem. So now they don't have one at all.

It's been two years since they've seen each other!

Yes! The Dad missed the 18Th too! What can one say, you know?

Oh, my son? My son is blessed and strong. He is also very forgiving and remains hopeful of Good things happening in life...PERIOD!

Also, he and I are very close and have open communication. We have discussed his feelings about this on numerous occasions. Know this though Dear Reader,

you think when the kid gets older that it won't affect them, but ...

it does! The kid has feelings too that need to be voiced and dealt with!!!!!

My son thinks adults (older adults, as he is a young adult) are very...

...SELFISH BEINGS!

PLEASE STAY TUNED FOR PART 3, THE END OF

"REJECTION" on Next Weeks, Men, Women, & Children

MEN, WOMEN & CHILDREN- REJECTION..Part 1

QUESTION: When relationships go awry and children are involved, how do you handle that?

Men, Women and Children go through a vast amount of emotional ups and downs. Every so often, they get blindsided by curve balls. Like when relationships fizzle. Every body involved gets hurt you know! Even the man! And unfortunately, often times the child's' pain gets over shadowed by the adults pain. So, how do you resolve it?

How do you get the focus shifted?

How do you help your child cope and grow from the experience and grow out of the pain? What do YOU do to keep YOURSELF going? Especially, if you are the custodial parent?

What happens to your grief when there is no time to grieve because

YOU are the one who has got to stay strong for the kid?

How do you cope? How DID you cope?

Did you just move on to another relationship?

Even though you know your heart wasn't in it? Did you try to make amends with the other parent? I mean, including just trying to be friends?

At least, just for the child's sake! How did that work out?

See, I can imagine that these are all questions that many women and men have asked in such situations. Whether they asked themselves or their best friends or counselors or even prayed to God for the answers. When people get faced with things they don't understand...they ask questions! They ask questions because they are in search for relief. They need answers!

You might be wondering, Where did this topic come from?

Well, I've got a friend going through a divorce that she didn't ask for!

They have two teenage sons that are involved. It's ugly and she doesn't understand....Period!

I have another friend who has been divorced for many years. The husband left her to raise their 6 children. She suffered lack of food, finances, beds. Now, all of the children are adults, some with families, ALL with careers! One son works in Italy, all praises be to God! Within the last year or so, the husband has relocated back to Michigan and want a repoire with his adult children and a "FRIENDSHIP" with my friend, his ex-wife, whom he abandoned.

I, myself am included in this topic of discussion.

Last Monday on November 9Th, my son turned 19 years old. His birthday sparked a few things. Namely this article. Not to mention the fact that I am 41, turning 42 next month and spent the last 19 years of my life, as a single mother, raising this young man. It was not easy!

He and I both suffered a lot, in many ways! Including, suffering the astigmatism of being labeled a"statistic." Another Black family, experiencing single parenthood. Single parenthood was not what either of us wanted, particularly my son and me! But it is, what it is!

It was hellish, some of the things we had to go through, my son and I.

I spent more time away from home trying to work, sometimes 2 jobs, and delivering him

by 2-3 busses per day, EACH WAY to baby sitters way across town before and after work!

I was living off of 2-3 hours sleep per day. I was also spending WAY TOO MUCH MONEY!

At one point, I was paying the babysitter more that I was making just to have someone keep my son ,so I could keep my job! WOW!!!!

That's when I discovered for myself, that if people can take advantage of you, even during hard times...THEY WILL! So, a lot of lessons came out of my single parent situation.

I also learned much about myself as a mother and a woman!

My priorities slowly shifted and the "me thing" began to slowly fall away!

I also learned a lot about men, decision making, raising children, being the head of a household, NOT being in control and what that feels like.

I learned what TRUE FORGIVENESS is!

I experienced BROKENNESS and THE NEED TO GIVE OVER to something greater than myself. I found it in the presence and word of the Lord thy God!

I also found comfort in the presence of some of the people of God who were experiencing that need too! Some of my BEST friends, I found at my local church during that time in my life.

They are still considered to be a HUGE PART of me and my son's family!

They are ones that are with us through good and bad times, more so than our blood family!

Thankfully, the lessons kept coming! Learning the VALUE AND WORTH OF being

a MOTHER is truly a lesson that has to be learned!

Notice that I didn't say anything about a Baby Mama!

That is a terrible term, by the way!

There is also a distinction between the two!

STAY TUNED...

FOR PART 2 OF "WHEN RELATIONSHIPS GO AWRY.''

In next weeks post of MEN, WOMEN & CHILDREN

SOCIAL SCENE

RACISM...Is the subject of today's Social Scene.

The column that speaks on things that concerns you, me, us...Society!

Inspiration Station means that a poem is sure to follow. "Be Inspired!"

"Inspiration Station"

THAT PROFOUND MESSAGE!

a Poem Written By: Meetta J. Martin

My Father was born in 1915,

in a small southern town.

He was a true, brown skinned, farm raised country boy.

He was the baby of 2 boys and a girl, the last of three.

He cherished his mother.

Learned all she had to offer!

He watched her work hard, both suffer and prosper.

My father helped his mother work in a cotton field.

He knew first hand what prejudice was and what bigotry IS.

HE LIVED IT!

It taught him some valuable lessons.

He knew better how to survive AND get over!

He understood how to deal.

My father had a strong faith.

He laid his dependency on the Lord Christ Jesus.

I know that he didn't learn to do that all at once, but

HE LEARNED IT, is what 's most important!

Really, that is all!

His life time... brought wisdom.

He had bad memories of racism, but he didn't let the memories devour him.

In this, my father was an amazing man!

He lived in the time of lynching while racist, hateful whites

cheered as the colored mans bodies were flynching.

WHAT A PROFOUND MESSAGE.

these violent, unmerciful acts sent!

"You Darkie, You Nigger, go back from whence you came!"

WHAT CHOICE DID WE HAVE?

"We didn't land on Plymouth Rock,

Plymouth Rock Landed on us!"

So, said a very, POWERFUL, STRONG, COLORED MAN!

My Dad lived in a time when the colored man just wanted to be viewed as "HUMAN".

Those hateful white racists, didn't stop at the lynchings.

THAT was thrown for good measure!

THAT was thrown in with a host of other injustices!

They raped the colored woman

AND killed their little church going children.

They slaughtered them like animals!

How's that for viewing them like human?

Now, before you disagree with me, Read THEIR history!

These things were particularly rampant in my Dads home town area, and all across the board!

Remember I said, my dad was Southern born!

Still, somehow my father got out.

He lived to tell, but he never really did!

My father never could change the color of his skin, but he changed the mindset in which he used to live!

Early in my life, my Dad,

though having confessed to hating whites,

NEVER, EVER taught me to hate them!

My Dad, instead taught me to consider people in their individuality.

NOT to consider them by the skin in which they were born in!

Though, I was just a small girl, less than the year of ten,

my spirit held on to what my father said,

considering the life experiences of this man.

Judge by character and not by the skin we're in and

please don't clump people all together!

INIDIVIDUALITY, That Profound Message!

MEN, WOMEN, & CHILDREN

This is the BIG COLUMN!!!

This is where I get to write about ALL of the subject matter that concerns me about men, women and children on EVERY LEVEL!

I'll write about everything from singleness to marriage, to parenting, to divorce and child support issues. A HUGE ISSUE I have with men is the sayings some of them have, teach and live by. Sayings like ...

"It's cheaper to keep her" and "I want a good woman". Male domination issues , rape, molestation, incest, the REAL ROLE of a husband and Dad, why SOME men turn on a woman when she does not respond favorably by calling her all out of her name, are other topics sure to come as well as many, many more!

The role of a mother and wife, What is a baby's Mama? and working women will also be some topics. I will talk about Women schisms too! Schisms like, why SOME women think they need sugar daddy's to pay their bills. We'll talk about a womans' worth, celibacy and women, prostitution, abused women, and single mothers for starters.

We'll also talk about the role of children, their purpose and position in the home, education and tips on how to raise them and more!