IN THIS WORLD,
there are SO many women who are single, never been married, aren't in a relationship...and they want to be! Unfortunately, this also applies to me! My age and lack of suitable prospects, make my dream relationship appear to be very slim. I'm over 40 and never been married. I've never been asked! Well, not seriously. OK, I've been asked twice,
But not by anyone I wanted to marry!
I don't know! Something about, my heart wanting only what my heart wanted and ...it didn't want to be attached to these guys. At least, not for a minute more than it took to get away from them after they each "proposed". That said it! If I couldn't stand a minute more of them, I certainly couldn't do it for a lifetime! Both times...I knew in an instant upon being asked, what my heart and head decided, had been the best decision. A long time ago, there were two others. I would've said yes to either one of them had they asked me...but neither one of them did. One was a friend I had grown very smitten with. The other one, I was very much in love with,
(my sons Dad). Turns out, not marrying either one of them was also a good idea! This I later discovered as I looked back on my life! Hmm. Strange, isn't it? I didn't marry one of the guys who wanted to marry me, but the neither of the guys I wanted to marry, ever asked me! Strange, indeed!
So now, I'm over 40 and still, single mother of my 19 year old. To top it off, in my life, I'm also surrounded by other women of different age groups who are just as single (and more hopeful than I) with the same "predicament" if you will. And I gotta tell ya, IT'S NO FUN! Too many women, plus not enough decent, eligible, productive, "good" men. Pickin's is slim yall! But there are plenty of the "other" kind! Including "hit it and quit it guys (purely doggish), street beggars, financially poor, weak spined men, looking for a strong woman they can sponge off of, married men or attached men looking to "share the wealth". Don't forget the men who are of mature age, still living with their parents!
One such recent horror moment in my life, came the other day. As I was walking home just a couple blocks from my apartment, I was hit on by a ragged tooth, street guy as I passed by. I'd shown him some kindness with gifts of food before and a pleasant "hello" as I passed, but this day, he decided to say something else. He asked me what my name was and he asked me...was I married ...(wanting to put in his bid in). Like I said, PICKINS' IS SLIM YALL!
After leaving that guy, I'M THINKING, YEAH! SINGLE HOOD (KEEPING to MYSELF) MAY NOT BE SUCH A BAD thing AFTER ALL! In any case, I still have those thoughts of meeting somebody really special and available! Then...after a few moments or a few days (to be honest)...I eventually come to my senses and blow those thoughts off!
Reduced to thoughts of being single, living alone with a dog and some pet fish, going dancing and eating takeout. (My son is almost a mature enough man, to be out on his own soon) and I've thought about how I will live my life, even right down to how I would decorate my new "bachelorette pad". (Though, without all of the bachelorette lifestyle.) I could see eating Chinese food, takeout three times a week, walking my little "fru-fru" dog that's small enough to put it in a purse and carry! I probably would be working like crazy, maybe start a business or two. I'll always be writing to you Readers. Won't lose sight of that! Maybe a few books and in my future or magazine articles. (One can dream, can't one?) I'll one day be a college graduate as I will more than likely go back to finish college.
In the meantime, I still do sometimes have that thought about
What is love? I mean , for a woman to share the most precious, sacred, intimate thoughts and sides of her herself. (It's been so long, I honestly think I forgot!!) EVEN with all of those accomplishments I plan to complete some time in my life, I'm thinking, "will that be enough to satisfy me?"
I also have never had someone to celebrate me! To brag about me to his friends or family. Bragging about how intelligent, or kind and compassionate, I am. I've never had anyone to brag about how blesses, he is to have me. Nor how funny, how sexy, or great of a person he believes me to be. I've never had more than a hit and conquer it, kind of man. Never had a man who enjoyed the dating process with me. I've never had a man to take me out to really nice places, or on vacations. I've never been celebrated in any of these kinds of way, or ways that I would remember and cherish. So, I've chosen to spend the last 12 years of my life, devoted to my Christian way of living, to my son and to myself. Yep, For twelve years, I've been a single woman, living unto herself! There has not been any relationships with anybody! Nobody special, has come along in all that time and made himself known tome. And the last love I had, was my sons Dad, and that nearly ruined my life! It was because of him, that I didn't' want to take a chance on anybody else. First, it was because I had a hard time getting over him. Then when I did, I also became very afraid that I would choose someone else who would prove to be just as hurtful as he! I was Unwilling to take that chance. Along with a few other things, being unsure of myself, I chose to stay to myself and by myself ! I figured, I'd know when it was time to try again. When that time came though, no one special had come along. And time just kept flying past! So, I've made a resolve.
At 42, I am ALMOST entirely given over to the resolve that I shall never fall in love again (and he, with me), I shall remain single and never marry! I figure that the sooner I accept this, the sooner I can stop setting myself up for disappointment. Like I said...I'm ALMOST there. Still though, in light of where I am in my life, like many women...life sometimes leaves me wondering....
WHAT IS LOVE?
Song by Jennifer Lopez
(#5 on my blog playlist)
Na, Na, Na, Na,
NA, NA Na, Na, Na, Na, ,
Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na,
Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na,
(REPEAT AGAIN)
NA, NA, NA, NA,
Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na,
Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na,
Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na
People told me, I should write a love song.
Girl you sound so angry, you could use some variation,
but I'm lonely, negative relations, I've been hurt SO many times.
I don't have the patience,
but I wished for so long for someone to come and show me.
Lead by example, cause I've been waiting.
I've tried every age.
I'm so tired of the game.
I wanna be some body's girl!
Would you show me the way!
(CHORUS):
What if, I never find and I'm left behind?
(Should I keep hoping for love?)
What if, I'm still the same, status doesn't change?
(Gotta keep hoping for love)
(What is love, what is love? what is love?)
Somebody show me...
(What is Love? what is love? What is Love? )
... 'Cause if you told....
(What is Love? What is Love? What is Love?)
.... I wouldn't be lonely!
What is Looooove ?
PLEASE SHOW ME!
WHAT IS LOOOOOVE?
I've had blind dates, hooked up with some real flakes.
I've gone out with church boys, musicians are the worst.
I've tried so hard, 'cause I'm just so die hard.
Tried my best to play the part. Wish you could see inside!
But, I've wished for so long, for someone to come and show me.
Lead by example, cause I've been waiting.
I've tried every age. I'm so tired of the game.
I wanna be some body's girl!
Would you show me the way!
(CHORUS)
What if I... never find and I'm left behind? (Should I keep hoping for Love?)
What if... I'm still the same. Status doesn't change? (Gotta keep hoping for Love?)
(What is Love? What is Love? What is Love?)
....Somebody show me
(What is Love? What is Love? What is Love?)
Cause if you told me...
(What is Love? What is Love? What is Love?)
I wouldn't be lonely!
What is Loooove?
Please come show me!
WHAT IS LOOOOOVE?
Na, Na, Na, Na,
Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na,
Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na,
Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na
(REPEAT AGAIN)
I've been alone for the past 3 years on Valentines Day!
Christmas is no exception. Birthdays, no naughty presents.
Been back and forth same action.
I just need this to happen!
I'll be singing Love's praises... If you would show me!
(Repeat CHORUS)
What if I never find and I'm left behind....
What if ...
.....
Na, Na, Na, Na,etc.
BYE!
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