Thank you Readers,
For your words of encouragement. This is where I share your comments.
L. -From Garden City, Michigan
March 25,2011
By the way, I've been praying for you and your family situation all week. It's so sad to hear all that happened to you and I'm amazed by your strength.
Man!, Meetta, you've been through a lot and I can understand why you've wanted to keep your distance from some of them. You can't control them. You can just control how you react to them, what you do with your life and what it is. You amaze me!
Meetta said:
Thank you, my friend. This was very kind of you to say to me. And I must tell you, it is very lonely being a victim of abuse. So, your words of support means more than you know! Because, when a person is put into a situation like I and my mothers sons' were it's very lonely. Especially, when you have people in your family that have never come to grips with the depth of the situation, nor accepted or demanded accountability, it's easy to find yourself lonely and the victim again.
...Lonely because, often you can't go to or don't know who to go to whether friends, or family. Family in particular is a tough situations when it comes to not knowing who to go to in the family for comfort, protection, true understanding and support. Lonely also, because you are bound by secrecy. That secrecy is covered in shame and cast you into a pit of darkness. Toss into that mixture, the abusers threats of greater violence including death and what you have is a very, very lonely, confusing and hopeless situation.
A victim, again.... because of the agony that you are forced to face because some of those relatives and family friends, have not faced their own personal issues of guilt, shame or helplessness over what you and your siblings went through! Maybe they could have helped and didn't! Now that you have survived and still around, they have to look at you from time to time and maybe are being secretly tormented as well by their own conscience. Perhaps they see you at family gatherings that I and my family have been having lately because of a death in the family and those people become reminded! And instead of assuming accountability for even their own personal issues over the matter, they direct their angst in other directions, including in yours!
Now you are faced with another struggle connected to your abuse, maintain that the problem is with those feeling those emotions and recognizing the problem is not with you! You are once again, wrongly and unfairly forced to find and fight to maintain your place of victory in the twisted matter, that has once again targeted you! Somebody is once again trying to use you as a scapegoat, just as my abusers did, because they didn't know how to or just didn't seek out another way to deal with their problems, so they found a way to pin it on you. Now you have to a battle that you shouldn't have to keep fighting! So, you choose to stay away and face the reality of not having a supportive loving family that you felt you had a right to with your blood relatives. So, you create your own with your with friends, your mate and your children, refusing to be without that which is a human need. This is where my strength continues to grow... in my refusal to let the wrongs and horrible, weak actions and thoughts of others keep taking away that which is precious to me. So, at 43 years of age I continue to speak out, refusing to let them take my voice, my freedom and dignity away from me... again! Perhaps, this will help someone else find their freedom, their voice and regain their dignity as well.
And No. You can't change the past, but accept that it happened, find your place in the matter, put the blame in its proper place and work from there. "Change the things that you can and accept things you cannot." Yes, Forgive: forgo, release; and take back the offense,(which is what true forgiveness really is), but recognize the truth! Seek accountability where there is hope for it.
See, accountability opens the door to personal growth and can help with healing.
And it is a very powerful thing to take ownership of your actions. It shows great strength, courage, wisdom, brevity and can bring unto you, honor, dignity while you earn the respect and trust of others! You can forgive somebody, but even with forgiveness, you don't have to trust them by letting them back into your life! Trust and Forgiveness are two totally different things! Let's keep that straight! Even if a person has not taken sincere strides to make amends by at least owning up their actions, then I forgive them meaning I release them, don't hold nothing over their heads. I will be kind and generous toward them giving them "food when they are hungry and drink when they are thirsty", but I will let them be where they are and go my way! Because if they don't take further steps towards ownership of their actions, they can't be trusted and may very well be more inclined to repeat that which they are accustomed to.
As for my family, Let it be known, that on this past Monday night on March 21,2011,
I opened the door for this particular son of my mothers',to take accountability when
I told him in front of two of my Uncles that "at a certain point, not now, but I would like to talk to you" and he dismissed me, saying he saw no point in it. Later, he and an uncle got into an argument and as he stormed out, he saw me, pointed at me in front of all the family and said it "this is your fault!" Now, keep in mind that I haven't seen this person (my mothers son),(the one who started sexual, physical and emotional abuse on me and turned two of my other brothers and 3 of their friends on me as a child), for the past 20 years! But he blames me for what he's going through now with somebody else in the family! Just for the record, I was 5 when the abuse started. Even when I was 12 years old,
(he was 18), this same brother, once followed me into the bathroom and began to undo his pants. I started to scream and he slipped right back out the door. Only to kick me in stomach later with both feet, becaue I wouldn't let him touch me. And when I was little and "my brother" was having forcible sex with me his sister), he would talk to me and taunt me telling me the same thing then, "This is your fault" I'm doing this to you!" ...The same thing he said that night, recently at a relatives house! One of my Aunts defends him without knowing the full truth, saying "he was a boy when he that to her! Leave him alone! He's trying to get on with this life, but he can't because people keep bringing this up to him! Leave him alone!" Though he was in and out of juvenile and jail by then, having left his abusive legacy to continue with 2 other of my mothers sons, and me... This particular mother's son was 18 when he last tried to molest me and later kicked me in the stomach, bruising my insides, because I wouldn't let him touch me. From that and alot of other things, they locked him up again! He was not a boy. He was a man! In America, at 18, he is considered to be an adult. NOT a boy, but a man! .......(Pause for thought.) God help that Aunt of mine. God help us all!
"IT'S YOUR FAULT!", he said to me!
LORD! LORD JESUS! That's evil! It's evil! And it's denial running rampant.
It's cowardly, weak, and destructive even now! And everybody, including family and friends, that are around him loving on him, not holding him accountable and not helping him properly deal with his pain, is at fault. If they truly love him, they would hold him accountable for his actions towards me and everyone else he hurt, taking the blinders off. Helping him with accountability, even through his own pain. In fact, if he develops a healthy understanding of accountability and responsibility on his part, it will also help him put accountability on those person that let him down as well and he will find that it will help him find his emotional freedom. Put things in their proper place. Because otherwise, he is a bomb waiting to explode! But for them to help him properly, some of them have got to face their own giants first in areas that pertain to this situation! And unfortunately, if he, my mothers son, doesn't come to terms with himself, he is going to destroy himself and everybody around him. And that is why I blatantly and openly warned my 20 year old son of the dangers of getting involved in this mans life.
And 2 days after the incident when my mother's son, refused the opportunity to speak with me about the matter of of our childhood, having a chance to acknowledge and take responsibility for the havoc he wreaked and also blamed me for his grief with my Uncle...he met my son, at a relative house. My son who doesn't know this man, My mother's son! My son never laid eyes on his "Uncle" before that day, because he, my mother's son, has been in prison since my son was a few months old! My son is 20! So, I watched and listened as this man told my son, "the past is the past" I want to know you now." My son told him, "Dude, I don't know you!", but he shook his hand smiled, in awkwardness. He saw me sitting there and smirked at me when he passed my by. Only to also tell my son,
"I'll be in contact with you. We'll talk." And he wanted my son to take his number down.
Oh, no they won't! Because Right then, I told my son "I do not want you around that man. He is dangerous." I've explained to my son, why I am so adamant about this. My son is MY Son! Others can let that man be around them, their children and grand children all they want, but I won't! And if anything happens to them because they ignored that this man(their nephew and friend) is a known pediphile, child molestor, rapist and has not shown any proof that he's been rehabilitated. For instance, He has not shown remorse in this regard or taking sincere accountability in FULL, COMPLETE TRUTH, for even the evil which he put upon his own sister, me! If something does happen, they will be held accountable for any incident that occurs with him! And last I heard, he was an active Muslim, so no love of Jesus there! There is no healthy fear of the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob! He is not moved by the name Jesus! All I know is, me and my son won't be around this man. In fact, my son and I are estranged from my mother, and other brothers because there is no outwardly recognition, or accounatibility on their parts as well! Forgive; release? Yes. Trust. NO. Keep in contact? NO. Don't have to! God loves me us all! But "If you know the wall hurts, then why keep banging your head against it?"
I love my son and care about this well being. And though many mothers have miserably failed in this area, a mothers job is to protect her children no matter how old they get! Protecting them, even from themselves as wisdom directs. The phone number of my mothers sons, have since been deleted from my sons phone. We are moving and they are not even allowed to know where we live! In fact, they don't know now, not even my mother! And if our family loves me and my son like they claim they do, they will understand what I'm saying and the action I have taken to arm my son with knowledge for his own protection! Those relatives and family friends will ALSO tell and keep that man away from us, outside of a family gathering.
You are right, my friend! It does matter what I do with my life and how I react to them. I also understand I can't control my family, even in how they view me! I don't much care anymore, (especially after the events of earlier this week) which is a good thing! Because many of them still have issues and their own thoughts about how I grew up. And I realize, no matter how many books I write, how many passionate pleas I give about admitting truth and taking accountability... no matter how many people who hear my story come to Christ or go on to live better lives in part because of something I said...It won't matter, to some of the relatives and family friends because they may never see my life the way I, or even the way Jesus sees it!
And for that, they will forever be bound in that area. I, on the other hand, have and will continue to experience much freedom, strength and JOY in my life, because I have faced my giants, like the biblical person, King David did with Goliath. By the power of God, I have slayed many and will continue to gain strength and courage enough to slay many more giants in this situation and every other situation in my life. The word of God, loving understanding people who have walked on my lifes' journey, with me, surrounding me and my son with their love, patience and wisdom, chastisement, holding even me accountable for my actions...along with faith, confidence, courage and my determination to not let my life "be a waste" (as I was told as child that my life would be)... is what has helped shape me into person I am today, the person that you honor with your support. I tell my story, because I don't want someone else to have to suffer like I did , if I can prevent it! I very much want healing for my family and those closest to us. But that won't completely come if other don't face what happened! Fear, keeping it quiet, denial, and lack of responsibility is not helping anything or anyone! And I for one, know that I have not grown in some of my family members eyes, especially that one Aunt I mentioned. They see their own pain, shame perhaps, and that pained little girl I used to be, the one they didn't help, rather than the strong, self sufficient, independent, vibrant, creative, intelligent, outspoken, passionate, woman that I have become. For these reason, I speak out!
Lastly, Praise be to Jesus that he drew near to me and called me unto himself. Because otherwise, I would not be the woman you stand in amazement of today. Praise be to God.
Thank you again, my friend, so very thoughtful of you.
Reader, I apologize for writing so much in response, but this was very close to my heart. Hope it helps somebody grow!
Sincerely, Meetta
